


I don't like your boyfriend (I think you need a new one)

by lazulisong



Series: mdzs [2]
Category: Founder of Diabolism
Genre: Gen, M/M, Modern AU, Protective Siblings, anyway lan xichen probably wouldn't chase wei wuxian off, bet u cash money that even in canon, but he sure would not spit on him if he was on fire either, in a way that sounds like 'your tarantula', is that lan wangji is way too good for wei wuxian, lan wangji however begs to differ, lan xichen calls wei wuxian 'your husband', the only thing he and his in laws really agree on, to quote my great grandmother, wei wuxian isn't even mad about it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-18 15:14:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18702163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazulisong/pseuds/lazulisong
Summary: Lan Zhan is late, which is completely unlike him. Lan Huan pulls out his phone, with a mental apology to his uncle, who would stroke out if he saw one of them using a phone in a restaurant. The phone rings once - twice - and just when Lan Huan is getting genuinely concerned, his brother answers the line. "This is Lan Wangji.""It's me," says Lan Huan. "Are you on your way?"There's a bare second of extremely shifty silence before his brother says, "I've been delayed."





	I don't like your boyfriend (I think you need a new one)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [n-x-northwest (wendy_bird)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wendy_bird/gifts).



> this actually started tonight as an offhand complaint on twitter that nobody's written modern Lan Wangji painting Wei Wuxian's nails for him -- annnnnnnnddddd it never happens in the fic. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Maybe next time?

Lan Huan's supposed to meet his baby brother for lunch and half an hour of prying into his love life - probably fine, but their uncle lives in hope that one of these days his brother will decide that his weird goth boyfriend is too weird and goth to be tolerated any more.

Lan Huan has no real opinion. But he's not holding out any real hope that Lan Zhan will get tired of the way his weird goth boyfriend dresses in raggedy shirts and Lan Zhan's good cashmere sweaters and black skinny jeans, more hole than fabric, any time soon. He's definitely sure Lan Zhan isn't going to be tired of the way his weird goth boyfriend wears eyeliner and talks his ear off constantly about everything he sees. Anyway, it's clear that his weird goth boyfriend is as crazy about Lan Zhan as Lan Zhan is about him, so Lan Huan is willing to get along with him. For now.

Lan Zhan is late, which is completely unlike him. Lan Huan pulls out his phone, with a mental apology to his uncle, who would stroke out if he saw one of them using a phone in a restaurant. The phone rings once - twice - and just when Lan Huan is getting genuinely concerned, his brother answers the line. "This is Lan Wangji."

"It's me," says Lan Huan. "Are you on your way?"

There's a bare second of extremely shifty silence before his brother says, "I've been delayed."

Lan Huan grew up with his brother as his only companion, closer than some twins, and he can tell when his brother is considering attempting to evade a question. "Where are you now?" The trick is not to give Lan Zhan any options to answer the question -- otherwise he'll just say 'mm' and let you think what you want. But if you just ask the question directly, he always answers honestly. 

Another shifty silence, and then Lan Zhan says, "Sephora."

"Hang on, let me go outside the restaurant," says Lan Huan. "You must be breaking up, I could swear you just said you were at _Sephora_."

"It's busier than I expected," says Lan Zhan.

Putting that aside -- "What on earth possessed you to go to a Sephora?" His brother is very handsome and tall and looks like one of those cold CEOs in the romance novels Nie Mingjue's brother is always trying to pretend that he isn't reading when Nie Mingjue looks over his shoulder at his phone. The sales staff must be circling him like sharks. He gets up and waves the server down, gives her a tip in apology for leaving without ordering, and then heads outside.

"Shopping," says Lan Zhan.

Clearly his baby brother is attempting to distract him from something, because he knows and Lan Zhan knows he knows that Lan Zhan's preferred method of shopping is firmly of the 'at home, on the computer, with a rabbit on his lap' school. "Oh really," he says. "I didn't know you were going to bring your boyfriend with you to lunch with me."

"I'm by myself," says his brother, and right when Lan Huan is about to ask him sharply why his boyfriend let him go to a place full of strange people by himself when he _knows_ Lan Zhan hates crowds and talking to strangers, he adds, "It's a surprise for Wei Ying."

Lan Huan drags in a deep breath, counts to ten, and then says, "You couldn't order it?"

"It's a limited edition," says Lan Zhan, clearly quoting his boyfriend. "It's only at the store."

Lan Huan counts to ten again, imagines Lan Zhan after his boyfriend disappeared after high school and before his boyfriend showing up again with a toddler of extremely unknown origin. He'd looked like he wanted to be depressed all ten years, but it was too much trouble. Lan Huan had hated every second of it. He says, as nicely as he can manage, "You could have asked me."

Lan Zhan is stubbornly silent. In the background, Lan Huan hears a saleslady say, in a sugary sweet voice, "Excuse me, sir, do you need any help?"

Lan Huan can vividly imagine his baby brother, surrounded by rapacious sales ladies in size 00 black outfits and three inch heels, makeup perfect and unnervingly alike. They'll eat him alive. He abandons the thought of arguing with his brother (again) over his weird goth boyfriend and hurries down the street. "I'm coming over," he says. "Don't make eye contact, don't agree to anything!"

When he rushes in, there's one sales lady in the front of the store, who gives him one swift glance and then clearly dismisses him as too straight to make a sale out of -- which is hurtful. Lan Huan has five times the skincare products that his brother has, and Lan Zhan is so gay that a bird landed on his shoulder and started singing to him when he was twelve. The rest are gathered, like ravenous hyenas around an innocent gazelle, in a circle around one of the makeover stations. His brother is sitting on the stool, patiently allowing a girl about a foot shorter than him to powder his face while she says things like "the new Fenty gloss" and "milk protein hydration serum". His eyes have been lined with some sort of sparkling gold stuff and another sales lady is tenderly massaging his guqin callouses with something out of a tiny jar that even Lan Huan is afraid to look at the price of. 

The sales staff is having a wonderful time. Lan Zhan is clearly humoring them like he humors the small children his boyfriend herds around at the library. 

"Oh, there you are!" says Lan Huan loudly. "Are you ready, Zhanzhan?"

Every single person gathered around his brother turns around and gives him an absolutely filthy look, like they know he's going to take away their Barbie Princess Magic Makeover toy. One actually bares expensively whitened teeth at him.

"Mm," says Lan Zhan. He stands up and politely takes off the styling cape that had protected his white shirt from the makeup. "Thank you," he says to the sales staff.

All of them, even the one at the front of the store, sigh dreamily in unison. 

Lan Huan's feeling mean since he's lost most of his time to have lunch with his brother. He says, very sweetly, "Did you get that thing for your boyfriend?"

"Not yet," says Lan Zhan, apparently oblivious to the half disappointed, half extremely interested looks he's getting. He picks up a little shopping basket, filled with MAC eyeliner and an Urban Decay palette of eyeshadow with a picture of a bleeding rose on the package, and goes to the counter. "Excuse me," he says, "There's supposed to be a --"

"Oh yes," chirps the sales lady, "The OPI mini collection 'dark hearts and bleeding kisses'! You're very lucky, sir, we have one left."

"Thank you," says Lan Zhan, and pays. 

Lan Huan peers curiously over his shoulder. The little box has five different very dark shades of nail polish, just the type that Lan Zhan's boyfriend likes to wear. One of them is black with fine red glitter. When he looks up at Lan Zhan, his brother is smiling down at the box, just the slightest curve of his mouth, like he's imagining putting it on his boyfriend while his boyfriend chatters the entire time. 

Well, thinks Lan Huan, already mapping out what he's going to tell their uncle when he wants to know if Lan Zhan has broken up with That Awful Boy again, as long as his brother is happy, it's fine.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are great but don't stress yourself out about it. also pray for my gay ass, I have a six day week this week and I'm 6k into the god damn omegaverse fic plus whatever happens with the Lan Wangji rut fic hahahaha orz I WANT TO HAVE A VAAACAAAAAAATTIOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN QAQ


End file.
